Hawks vs Falcons Vs Eagles

I wrote and shot this with Kula and Appel at Funny or Die...

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 13:27:45 -0400

I wrote and shot this with Kula and Appel at Funny or Die yesterday.

In memory of Bill Paxton….Pullman! Bill Pullman

Here is my stand up set from last night’s Small Gravy....

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:24:37 -0400

Here is my stand up set from last night’s Small Gravy. Bear with me as I try to tag the set before me and nearly forget EVERYTHING I was going to say. (Keen listeners should also be able to pick out which jokes good old Sean Clements really enjoys.)

This is the first time I’m video taped myself. It’s not as horrific as I was expecting, but goddamn do I push my glasses up a lot, which I have chosen as my thumbnail.

Just in time for the release of Transformers: Revenge of the...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 11:06:08 -0400

Just in time for the release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, here’s a video of me doing at bit about my favorite line from the trailer at CDR Sketch at the UCB Theater in LA. (SPOILER: The video quality is TERRIBLE!)

Here is a video I wrote for UCBComedy and made with Harrison...

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 13:44:27 -0400

Here is a video I wrote for UCBComedy and made with Harrison Brown out here in LA. One of the real Pizza Hut pizzas I bought had a hair on it! Way to go, Pizza Hut!

i want to start in france with a shotgun

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:26:41 -0400

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: YOU HAVE SELECTED A TEXT BASED ADVENTURE
Stranger: AWESOME1
Stranger: WHERE DO I START!?
You: You are working at an automobile manufacturing plant
Stranger: I WANT TO START IN FRANCE WITH A SHOTGUN!
You: A piece of metal is on the conveyor belt in front of you
You: Press 1 to flatten the metal
Stranger: I GRAB THE METAL AND CUT MY BOSS'S HEAD OFF WITH IT!
Stranger: JAIL HERE I COME!
You: YOU HAVE SELECTED GRAB THE METAL AND CUT MY BOSS'S HEAD OFF WITH IT!
You: Press 1 to flee
Stranger: 1
You: Press 2 to incite a riot
Stranger: 2
Stranger: 2
Stranger: 2
Stranger: YES 2
You: YOU HAVE SELECTED FLEE
Stranger: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
You: Press 1 to run on foot
You: Press 2 to take your Nissan Altima
Stranger: I'm hungry...
You: INVALID ENTRY
Stranger: 2
You: Press 3 to steal your boss's Jaguar
Stranger: 3
Stranger: 34
Stranger: 3
You: You have selected NISSAN ALTIMA
You: You are driving the NISSAN ALTIMA
You: Press 1 to turn yourself over to the authorities
You: Press 2 to drive to Mexico and start a new life as "Greg Titsburg"
Stranger: 2
You: Press 3 to enlist in secret brotherhood of metal wielding assassins
You: You have selected GREG TITSBURG
You: Mexican Authorities have become suspicious of your silly name
You: They have handed you over to the police
Stranger: Bust a cap in every cop I see.
You: Your Nissan Altima has been repossessed
You: GAME OVER
Stranger: ON NOEZ!
Stranger: I LOST THE GAME!
You have disconnected.

Jovi

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 09:24:28 -0400

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: Tommy used to work on the docks
Stranger: and what a fucking legend he was
You: union's been on strike
You: He's down on his luck - It's tough
You: so tough.
Stranger: he brings something home. what?
You: Gina works the diner all day
Stranger: whoah
You: we're half way there
You: whoah-oah!
Stranger: we're living on a prayer
You: take my hand
Stranger: and we'll make it i swear...
You: whoah-oah
You: LIVING ON A PRAYER
You: that was pretty lame of both of us
You have disconnected.

number party

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 11:22:44 -0400

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: NUMBER PARTY!
You: 23!
You: 678!
Stranger: 19
Stranger: 26
You: 56
You: 1,234
Stranger: 73
Stranger: 7
You: 8,090,789
Stranger: 3
You: 5
You: 155
Stranger: Over 9000
You: 58,762
You: okay now just the even numbers!
You: 24
Stranger: 36
You: 12
You: 6
Stranger: 8096
You: 800
Stranger: 666
You: okay now give it up for the odd numbers
Stranger: 13
You: 57
Stranger: 79
You: 35219
Stranger: 1005
You: 3727
You: lemme see those square numbers!
You: 49!
You: i said, 49!
You: come on y'all, it's your turn!
Stranger: i can't do math :(
You have disconnected.

Guess the Movie

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:13:27 -0400

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey
Stranger: hey
You: try and guess this movie title
Stranger: guess?
You: i'm going to replace a word with the word "deertick"
Stranger: ok
You: "Back to the Deertick"
Stranger: hum
Stranger: i seek
Stranger: world ?
Stranger: alabama ?
You: uh
You: i'll try again
Stranger: ok
Stranger: :)
You: "Deertick to the Future"
Stranger: RETURN
Stranger: :D
You: hm
You: ok
You: one more try
Stranger: ok
You: "Back to deertick Future."
Stranger: back to the return ?
You: yes
You: it was back to the return
You: great job
Stranger: :)
You have disconnected.

Monster List Is Not a Game

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:41:30 -0400

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: YOU HAVE SELECTED MONSTER LIST

You: 1. Frankenstein

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Stranger: exorcist

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN!

You: 3. werewolf

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Stranger: blair witch project

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN!

You: 5. mummy

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Stranger: wait…that’s not monster…thats a frikkin hillarious movie…seen that george of the jungle guy on it? what his name

Stranger: fucking crack up

You: THATS NOT A MONSTER, YOU LOST A TURN

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN

You: 6. dracula

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN

Stranger: lol

Stranger: get off it

You: THATS NOT A MONSTER, YOU LOST ANOTHER TURN….WATCH OUT!

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN

You: 7. witch

Stranger: watch out for what

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN

Stranger: watch out for what…

You: THATS NOT A MONSTER, YOU LOST ANOTHER TURN…THE MONSTERS GOT YOU!

You: GAME OVER

You: EVERY DAY 900 AMERICAN BABY CHILDREN ARE TURNED INTO BATS

Onion News Network wins Peabody; area man congratulates self

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 22:19:37 -0400

Onion News Network wins Peabody; area man congratulates self:

chriskula:

Congrats to Kukoda, Carol, Will, Lang, Chris Kelly and all the other talented folks at ONN - but especially to ME. Seeing how the Journal story cites the best piece I ever wrote for the site—

Like the Onion’s printed matter, the Onion News Network’s faux-earnest tone sometimes results in its jokes being taken seriously, like a viral hit called “Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish for Unlimited Wishes” that eventually merited its own entry on Snopes, a site that debunks rumors, email hoaxes and other urban myths.

—clearly it was MY weekly contributions, two years ago, that truly pushed this venture from an “impeccably executed, super-popular online satire site” into a “Peabody-calibre impeccably executed, super-popular online satire site.” YOU’RE WELCOME, ONN.

Really, it was the least I could do to offset the tarnish brought on by Joe “Donkey Basketball” Wengert.

THE KULA-WENGERT BLOOD FEUD HAS BEGUN.

(It will most likely be settled on a par 3 golf course.)

Another Omegle Chat Game

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:05:27 -0400

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: you have selected a text based adventure

You: you are in a classroom

You: you are bored

Stranger: ok

You: do you want to look in the desk?

Stranger: yes

You: THERE IS A PIECE OF PAPER IN THE DESK!

You: do you want to doodle on the paper or turn it into an airplane?

Stranger: yes

You: INVALID ENTRY

You: do you want to doodle on the paper or turn it into an airplane?

Stranger: oops sorry, doodle

You: do you want to doodle a dog or 3-dimensional cubes?

Stranger: dog

You: SORRY, YOUR DOG LOOKS LIKE A BEAR

You: do you want to erase your bear or look in the margins?

Stranger: marginds

Stranger: margina

Stranger: margins

You: THERE IS SPACE IN THE MARGINS!

Stranger: ok

You: do you want to keep doodling or turn the paper into an airplane? Stranger: airplane :D You: Do you want to fold the paper in half or turn in a corner?

Stranger: corner

You: YOU HAVE TURNED IN A CORNER!

Stranger: yes!

You: do you want to fold the paper in half or turn in the other corner?

Stranger: other corner

You: YOU HAVE TURNED IN THE OTHER CORNER!

Stranger: now fold it

You: do you want to fold the paper in half or doodle another bear?

You: YOU HAVE FOLDED THE PAPER!

You: Do you want to fold the wings or go back to doodling?

Stranger: wings

You: HURRY THE TEACHER IS COMING

You: YOU HAVE FOLDED THE WINGS

You: do you want to throw the plane or save it to show your cousin Marco?

Stranger: Save it

You: YOU HAVE SAVED YOUR PLANE

You: SORRY, you are still bored

You: GAME OVER

I may have become obsessed with Omegle chat

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:59:19 -0400

Omegle is a chat site that picks another user at random and lets you have a one-on-one anonymous chat with a complete stranger.

I have spent too much time doing this today.

——

Stranger: hi
You: YOU HAVE SELECTED A TEXT BASED ADVENTURE
You: you are in a warehouse
You: do you want to turn on the lights or look in the boxes?
Stranger: look in the boxes
You: you have looked in the boxes
You: you are still in a warehouse
You: do you want to turn on the lights or look in the boxes?
Stranger: turn on the lights
You: you have turned on the lights
You: you are still in a warehouse
You: do you want to turn off the lights or look in the boxes?
Stranger: I already looked in the boxes and turned on the lights
You: INVALID ENTRY
You: do you want to turn off the lights or look in the boxes?
Stranger: look in the boxes
You: you have looked in the boxes
You: you are still in a warehouse
You: do you want to turn off the lights or look in the boxes?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Appel told me about this idea when I got to LA less than a month...

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:22:05 -0400

Appel told me about this idea when I got to LA less than a month ago, and now it exists!

He is an awesome machine.

erockappel:

THE “GOBSTOPPER” TRAILER IS ONLINE!

Click the photo or the link, and hold onto your snozberries!

ATTENTION JOHN FRUSCIANTE: I swear I won’t just become a...

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 11:27:20 -0400

ATTENTION JOHN FRUSCIANTE:

I swear I won’t just become a living celebrity sighting machine, but it was pretty weird to see Martin Keamy pushing a cart through Whole Foods in jeans and a t-shirt last night.

This has been driving me nuts all week. I’m glad Rob...

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 17:26:17 -0400

This has been driving me nuts all week. I’m glad Rob posted this because I’ve forgotten to look up a translation every time I get home.

The picture still doesn’t make sense. Who is this man? Why is he holding that card? Is he giving it to me?

(I would buy and eat these Cheetos if they promised an explanation.)

robhuebel:

This is my favorite billboard in LA. I pulled over to take a picture of it today. I don’t know Spanish, but I think it means, “New Cheetos, for people that like to bathe in human blood”. Is that right?

kulafoods: We welcomed Wengert to LA with a jambalaya...

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 11:41:11 -0500

kulafoods:

We welcomed Wengert to LA with a jambalaya party.

This was one of the moments when I got very hurt by something O’Brien said.

I really like the videos that the guys at Landline TV have been...

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:14:40 -0500

I really like the videos that the guys at Landline TV have been doing, so I was psyched to do something with them literally right before I left NYC.

erockappel: “Showerin” (via ericscott)

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:10:19 -0500

erockappel:

“Showerin”

(via ericscott)

I am leaving for Los Angeles today. New York has been good to...

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:01:32 -0500

I am leaving for Los Angeles today.

New York has been good to me, although there is only one place that I’m REALLY going to miss…

This is a video written by Ben Stadler and Matt Moskovciak. I...

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:11:09 -0500

This is a video written by Ben Stadler and Matt Moskovciak. I directed a sketch show they did a few months ago and they were nice enough to ask me to be in this video.