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Hawks vs Falcons Vs Eagles

My name is Joe Wengert.
I live in New York City.
I work for the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater NY.
I perform improv every Saturday night with Reuben Williams.
I write for the Onion News Network.
I am interested in collecting collages, drawings, photos, and videos depicting these majestic birds of prey battling each other.
I will eventually neglect this blog.

Apr 16

» http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77641

I worked with two different dialect coaches for a month to really nail this “scientist voice.”

Apr 15

Today’s Onion News Network video is one I wrote. Plus it stars friend and teammate Lennon Parham!

Amazingly, this was the only idea I ever submitted about Iron Man.

Mar 17

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

I happened to look at my “Top 25 Most Played” on my iTunes today and “Badlands” by Bruce Springsteen is my top most played song.

That can’t be right, right?

Mar 04

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

God, I love Vampire Weekend. It was the first piece of new music I’ve gotten this year and two months in, they’re the best thing I’ve heard yet. (Possibly better than anything from last year.)

From the get-go, I got the feeling that they would get quasi-big for a new indie band too quickly and then suffer from a backlash of “Arcade Fire” magnitude. The fact that they are appearing on SNL this week will probably confirm my suspicions.

But I will continue to love them. They’re great listening for work or walking around. I’ve even put the album on to go to sleep to!

I had a hard time choosing a song to post. I can’t stop loving this one for 1) making me think of the Talking Heads and 2) name checking Peter Gabriel.

Mar 03

diarrhea

I’m in the process of getting a Driver’s License again after (stupidly) letting my old PA license expire. Driving again made me think of one of things my friends and I used to do while killing time in high school outside of Philly.

After a few of us got our driver’s licenses, we started playing a game called “diarrhea.” The “game” was nothing more than shouting the word “diarrhea” at pedestrians from a moving car as loud as you could. Their was no clear way to win the game; the object was to see how much of a response we could elicit from the person’s being diarrhea’d.

If we were driving too fast, they would just be startled. I’m sure our shots were just incomprehensible. Whenever I was driving, I liked to slow down enough so that the yell was understandable.

As stupid as the game sounds, it never got old to me. There is something about someone’s face when you yell “diarrhea” at them that makes it much more interesting than it initially sounds. Most people would have the most amazing look of confusion on their face.

It’s not really an insult? Right? Why would someone yell diarrhea at someone else? Are they wishing diarrhea on me? Are they comparing me to diarrhea?

The other reaction we consistently got would be a “thumbs up” or fist-pumping from burn-outs or crazy hippie looking dudes. Literally every burn-out and crazy hippie looking dude would respond this way. The fact that someone would hear others yelling “diarrhea” at them and respond with, more or less, a “right on, man” was hilarious to me.

My all-time favorite “diarrhea” was outside of a tiny ice cream place in Jenkintown. I was driving with three other guys. As we pulled up to the place, packed with families standing around enjoying their ice cream, we unloaded a giant diarrhea on them, and I just stopped the car. After the greatest awkward silence ever, one guy holding his daughter dead-panned “You just screamed diarrhea, right?” Then I drove away.

Mar 02

music i listened to yesterday

I listen to my iPod a lot. I decided to make a list of every song I listened to in a day.

I didn’t count any music I heard in delis or at the theater or anything. There are only things I played on my iPod while walking around or in my apartment.

A lot of the day I had it on random, except for when I was listening to an old mix at the gym (first part of the day) and when I decided to listen to the entirety of Elvis Presley’s On Stage from a concert in Vegas in 1970 while eating breakfast. (Scientifically proven to be the best way to spend your breakfast on a Saturday in winter.) If you haven’t heard On Stage, I highly recommend it. It’s like doing karaoke with Elvis.

The list!

i’m waking up to us - Belle & Sebastian
walking out of stride - Badly Drawn Boy
beverly hills - Weezer
blow it out - Features
bastard - Ben Folds
so fast, so numb - R.E.M
wave of mutilation - Pixies
there’s more to life than this - Bjork
dreams - TV On The Radio
tombstone shadow - Creedence Clearwater Revival
i turn my camera on - Spoon
in the ghetto - Elvis Presley
next time around - Elvis Costello & The Attractions
texas never whispers - Pavement
the mods go mad - Bloodthirsty Lovers
jenny was a friend of mine - Killers
hummer - Smashing Pumpkins
day after day - Pretenders
see see rider (live) - Elvis Presley
release me (live) - Elvis Presley
sweet caroline (live) - Elvis Presley
runaway (live) - Elvis Presley
the wonder of you (live) - Elvis Presley
polk salad annie (live) - Elvis Presley
yesterday / hey jude (live) - Elvis Presley
proud mary (live) - Elvis Presley
walk a mile in my shoes (live)Elvis Presley
let it be me (live) - Elvis Presley
in the ghetto (live) - Elvis Presley
don’t cry daddy (live) - Elvis Presley
Kentucky rain (live) - Elvis Presley
I can’t stop loving you (live) - Elvis Presley
Suspicious minds (live) - Elvis Presley
Long tall sally (live) - Elvis Presley
Let it be me (live) - Elvis Presley
I’m waiting for the day - Beach Boys
Holland, 1945 - Neutral Milk Hotel
Caught by the fuzz - Supergrass
Drop - Pharcyde
Please don’t let me be misunderstood - Animals
Dreams - Fleetwood Mac
Love is Nothing - Liz Phair
Good times bad times - Led Zeppelin
Direct hit - Art Brut
What do I do now? - Elvis Costello
Break it up - Patti Smith
Suagr boy - Beth Orton
Hubcap Frisbees - Ham1
Say yes - Elliott Smith
Thirsy & miserable - Black Flag
Boy about town - Jam
Insinutation - Folk Implosion
Ghosts - Ted Leo
Sex machine - James Brown
Faust arp - Radiohead
We luv deez hos - Outkast
Higher ground - Stevie Wonder
Three dee melodie - Stereolab
Romance   - REM
Life on mars - David Bowie
Anytime - My Morning Jacket
If I was a dancer, dance pt II - Rolling Stones
See the constellation - They Might Be Giants
Dig a pony - Beatles
A punk - Vampire Weekend
Cape Cod Kwassa kwassa - Vampire Weekend
Sinister purpose - Creedence Clearwater Revival
Friend is a four letter word - Cake
She loves you - Beatles
A day in the life - Handsome Boy Modeling School
I can’t win   - Strokes
Making time - Creation
With a Little Help From My Friends - Joe Cocker
Pencil Rot - Stephen Malkmus

Feb 29

» I was doing research for another Onion video and found this segment. I immediately stopped eating the Doritos I had poured into a hollowed out beach ball.

Feb 28

This picture of birds of prey fighting each other comes from Rob Hebert.

Rob says: “I don’t know if any of them are hawks, eagles, or falcons, but there are an awful lot of birds fighting, fucking, and dying in this picture by Walton Ford, the most badass painter in the world. Most of his pictures are of things fighting and having sex..”

I say: “I wish Rob wouldn’t waste my time with this goddamn artsy-fartsy bullshit and send me pictures of real hawks fighting actual falcons fighting honest-to-goodness eagles. Anybody could paint this.”

Please send me more pictures at hawksvsfalconsvseagles@gmail.com.

“Hardscrabble” is a word that I would like to find more opportunities to use, just not in describing my personal experiences.

Feb 27

Here’s another video I wrote the script for at the Onion. I think it just squeaked in there in to be relevant for a week or something before Romney dropped out. This video forced him out of the race!