Hawks vs Falcons Vs Eagles

My name is Joe Wengert.
I live in Los Angeles.
I work for the Upright Citizens Brigade Training Center.
I perform improv every Monday night at the UCB with "The Smokes."
I also enjoy writing and performing stand up comedy.
I am interested in collecting collages, drawings, photos, and videos depicting these majestic birds of prey battling each other.
I will eventually neglect this blog.
Jul 04
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I wrote and shot this with Kula and Appel at Funny or Die yesterday.

In memory of Bill Paxton….Pullman! Bill Pullman

Jun 25
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Here is my stand up set from last night’s Small Gravy. Bear with me as I try to tag the set before me and nearly forget EVERYTHING I was going to say. (Keen listeners should also be able to pick out which jokes good old Sean Clements really enjoys.)

This is the first time I’m video taped myself. It’s not as horrific as I was expecting, but goddamn do I push my glasses up a lot, which I have chosen as my thumbnail.

Jun 24
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Just in time for the release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, here’s a video of me doing at bit about my favorite line from the trailer at CDR Sketch at the UCB Theater in LA. (SPOILER: The video quality is TERRIBLE!)
Jun 23
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Here is a video I wrote for UCBComedy and made with Harrison Brown out here in LA. One of the real Pizza Hut pizzas I bought had a hair on it! Way to go, Pizza Hut!
Jun 08
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i want to start in france with a shotgun

  • You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
  • You: YOU HAVE SELECTED A TEXT BASED ADVENTURE
  • Stranger: AWESOME1
  • Stranger: WHERE DO I START!?
  • You: You are working at an automobile manufacturing plant
  • Stranger: I WANT TO START IN FRANCE WITH A SHOTGUN!
  • You: A piece of metal is on the conveyor belt in front of you
  • You: Press 1 to flatten the metal
  • Stranger: I GRAB THE METAL AND CUT MY BOSS'S HEAD OFF WITH IT!
  • Stranger: JAIL HERE I COME!
  • You: YOU HAVE SELECTED GRAB THE METAL AND CUT MY BOSS'S HEAD OFF WITH IT!
  • You: Press 1 to flee
  • Stranger: 1
  • You: Press 2 to incite a riot
  • Stranger: 2
  • Stranger: 2
  • Stranger: 2
  • Stranger: YES 2
  • You: YOU HAVE SELECTED FLEE
  • Stranger: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
  • You: Press 1 to run on foot
  • You: Press 2 to take your Nissan Altima
  • Stranger: I'm hungry...
  • You: INVALID ENTRY
  • Stranger: 2
  • You: Press 3 to steal your boss's Jaguar
  • Stranger: 3
  • Stranger: 34
  • Stranger: 3
  • You: You have selected NISSAN ALTIMA
  • You: You are driving the NISSAN ALTIMA
  • You: Press 1 to turn yourself over to the authorities
  • You: Press 2 to drive to Mexico and start a new life as "Greg Titsburg"
  • Stranger: 2
  • You: Press 3 to enlist in secret brotherhood of metal wielding assassins
  • You: You have selected GREG TITSBURG
  • You: Mexican Authorities have become suspicious of your silly name
  • You: They have handed you over to the police
  • Stranger: Bust a cap in every cop I see.
  • You: Your Nissan Altima has been repossessed
  • You: GAME OVER
  • Stranger: ON NOEZ!
  • Stranger: I LOST THE GAME!
  • You have disconnected.
Apr 08
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Jovi

  • You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
  • Stranger: hey
  • You: Tommy used to work on the docks
  • Stranger: and what a fucking legend he was
  • You: union's been on strike
  • You: He's down on his luck - It's tough
  • You: so tough.
  • Stranger: he brings something home. what?
  • You: Gina works the diner all day
  • Stranger: whoah
  • You: we're half way there
  • You: whoah-oah!
  • Stranger: we're living on a prayer
  • You: take my hand
  • Stranger: and we'll make it i swear...
  • You: whoah-oah
  • You: LIVING ON A PRAYER
  • You: that was pretty lame of both of us
  • You have disconnected.
Apr 07
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number party

  • You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
  • You: NUMBER PARTY!
  • You: 23!
  • You: 678!
  • Stranger: 19
  • Stranger: 26
  • You: 56
  • You: 1,234
  • Stranger: 73
  • Stranger: 7
  • You: 8,090,789
  • Stranger: 3
  • You: 5
  • You: 155
  • Stranger: Over 9000
  • You: 58,762
  • You: okay now just the even numbers!
  • You: 24
  • Stranger: 36
  • You: 12
  • You: 6
  • Stranger: 8096
  • You: 800
  • Stranger: 666
  • You: okay now give it up for the odd numbers
  • Stranger: 13
  • You: 57
  • Stranger: 79
  • You: 35219
  • Stranger: 1005
  • You: 3727
  • You: lemme see those square numbers!
  • You: 49!
  • You: i said, 49!
  • You: come on y'all, it's your turn!
  • Stranger: i can't do math :(
  • You have disconnected.
Apr 03
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Guess the Movie

  • You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
  • You: hey
  • Stranger: hey
  • You: try and guess this movie title
  • Stranger: guess?
  • You: i'm going to replace a word with the word "deertick"
  • Stranger: ok
  • You: "Back to the Deertick"
  • Stranger: hum
  • Stranger: i seek
  • Stranger: world ?
  • Stranger: alabama ?
  • You: uh
  • You: i'll try again
  • Stranger: ok
  • Stranger: :)
  • You: "Deertick to the Future"
  • Stranger: RETURN
  • Stranger: :D
  • You: hm
  • You: ok
  • You: one more try
  • Stranger: ok
  • You: "Back to deertick Future."
  • Stranger: back to the return ?
  • You: yes
  • You: it was back to the return
  • You: great job
  • Stranger: :)
  • You have disconnected.
Apr 02
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Monster List Is Not a Game

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: YOU HAVE SELECTED MONSTER LIST

You: 1. Frankenstein

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Stranger: exorcist

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN!

You: 3. werewolf

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Stranger: blair witch project

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN!

You: 5. mummy

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Stranger: wait…that’s not monster…thats a frikkin hillarious movie…seen that george of the jungle guy on it? what his name

Stranger: fucking crack up

You: THATS NOT A MONSTER, YOU LOST A TURN

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN

You: 6. dracula

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN

Stranger: lol

Stranger: get off it

You: THATS NOT A MONSTER, YOU LOST ANOTHER TURN….WATCH OUT!

You: NOW IT’S MY TURN

You: 7. witch

Stranger: watch out for what

You: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN

Stranger: watch out for what…

You: THATS NOT A MONSTER, YOU LOST ANOTHER TURN…THE MONSTERS GOT YOU!

You: GAME OVER

You: EVERY DAY 900 AMERICAN BABY CHILDREN ARE TURNED INTO BATS
Apr 01
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» Onion News Network wins Peabody; area man congratulates self

chriskula:

Congrats to Kukoda, Carol, Will, Lang, Chris Kelly and all the other talented folks at ONN - but especially to ME. Seeing how the Journal story cites the best piece I ever wrote for the site—

Like the Onion’s printed matter, the Onion News Network’s faux-earnest tone sometimes results in its jokes being taken seriously, like a viral hit called “Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish for Unlimited Wishes” that eventually merited its own entry on Snopes, a site that debunks rumors, email hoaxes and other urban myths.

—clearly it was MY weekly contributions, two years ago, that truly pushed this venture from an “impeccably executed, super-popular online satire site” into a “Peabody-calibre impeccably executed, super-popular online satire site.” YOU’RE WELCOME, ONN.

Really, it was the least I could do to offset the tarnish brought on by Joe “Donkey Basketball” Wengert.

THE KULA-WENGERT BLOOD FEUD HAS BEGUN.

(It will most likely be settled on a par 3 golf course.)